Wow. So much has changed since my last post. I just read that last post and I while reading it, I didn't feel the way I felt when I wrote it. In fact, I feel like it was written by someone else. Someone other than me. Why? Because God has literally, miraculously changed my heart since then. Let me tell you about it.
August 24th, at 10:00 am, my ex-husband and I met face-to-face in the lobby of the Blattner Building to undergo mediation led by Mr. Ken McMannaman. (not really face-to-face, because he wouldn't look at me)
Once we were called into the office and the issues at hand started being discussed, it turned into the ever familiar lashing out that has ALWAYS happened between us. We picked each other apart for every little thing that we didn't like about the other or the other's behavior/lifestyle/choice of occupation, etc. I had been coached, I was prepared, I was RIGHT, doggone-it, and I was not leaving there without my demands being met. Everything the attorney said was in my favor and I was feeling pretty righteous and good about myself. He slammed Andy with the hammer that I had so hoped he would by saying, "There's no way in hell a judge is going to grant you 50/50 custody of your son. The burden is on you to prove why this would be better for Cole." In my mind I'm thinking, "Yes! Yes! Take that, buster! You deserve this for all the pain you put me through and continue to put me through by moving in right next door to me with that pretty 25 year-old girl..." That is until Andy's face changes, he pauses without reacting right away, like he normally would, and he sits there sort of stunned for what seemed like a really long time. Finally he speaks. "You know, I don't understand. There are all sorts of 'fathers' out there that never see their children, never pay any child support, and I have the burden of proof as to why I should get extra time with my son? He needs a dad! This is so crazy." My hearts sinks and I feel prompted to leave the room. I had just been rocked off of my game and needed to recompose; to consult with the Lord about my response. I asked to be excused to go to the restroom and went down the hall to the tiney bathroom. I shut the door behind me and standing right there, I said to God, "You have to speak for me. You have to control the words that come out of my mouth when I get back to that table. I need You to do Your will in this situation. Something doesn't feel right, God. Please take over. I'm getting out of the way." I went back to the table, sat down, grabbed a tissue, and the tears started flowing. What happened next can only be explained by the power of the Holy Spirit. "Andy, I'm going to honor your request to have 50/50 custody of Cole because I miss my dad and I would give anything to spend more time with him." (I hadn't thought of this at all during this entire ordeal.) "And I agree with you that our son needs his dad, that's why God made mothers and fathers with different attributes. I also want to honor the fact that you are a dad who is involved in Cole's life and want to spend more time with him." I can't believe I'm saying it as the words are coming out of my mouth. I feel like I'm giving up, waving a white flag, surrendering. I gave him some conditions about respecting me whether he likes me or not because I am Cole's mom and he needs to teach Cole to honor me. I also told him that I required communication going forward. Andy sits there for a few moments, silent, until Mr. McMannaman prompts him by saying, "If you want 50/50 custody of Cole you'd better take this offer because there is no judge anywhere that will grant this to you if this goes to court." Andy says, "Okay."
The mood in the room changes. The heaviness is gone. Peace has befallen my heart and I think I might even be feeling joy. After tying up a few loose ends, we each exit the room, then the building, where Andrew Proffer thanked me for what I had just done. Thank You, God! At that moment, all hate and anger and sadness left me. It was gone. I felt free and peaceful.
Now it's October 19th. We have been practicing the 50/50 custody arrangement. Ali and I have become very cordial with each other. Andy and I have, as well. We all even managed to throw a very enjoyable birthday party for Cole, with all of our families combined. Things haven't been perfect, but the relationship between us is no longer destructive and volitile, which is what God had intended for my life, and most importantly, for Cole's. And He has good things in store for you, too, if you'll just get out of the way. :)
Oh, and one last thing. My sister, who has been an addict in a deep hold for the last few years, agreed to check in to detox/rehab this morning. Praise God! Please keep her in your prayers. The hardest part is yet to come. Satan will not let her go easily. But our God is stronger!
All my love,
Kim
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