"under construction"

Wow. So much has changed since my last post. I just read that last post and I while reading it, I didn't feel the way I felt when I wrote it. In fact, I feel like it was written by someone else. Someone other than me. Why? Because God has literally, miraculously changed my heart since then. Let me tell you about it.

August 24th, at 10:00 am, my ex-husband and I met face-to-face in the lobby of the Blattner Building to undergo mediation led by Mr. Ken McMannaman. (not really face-to-face, because he wouldn't look at me)

Once we were called into the office and the issues at hand started being discussed, it turned into the ever familiar lashing out that has ALWAYS happened between us. We picked each other apart for every little thing that we didn't like about the other or the other's behavior/lifestyle/choice of occupation, etc. I had been coached, I was prepared, I was RIGHT, doggone-it, and I was not leaving there without my demands being met. Everything the attorney said was in my favor and I was feeling pretty righteous and good about myself. He slammed Andy with the hammer that I had so hoped he would by saying, "There's no way in hell a judge is going to grant you 50/50 custody of your son. The burden is on you to prove why this would be better for Cole." In my mind I'm thinking, "Yes! Yes! Take that, buster! You deserve this for all the pain you put me through and continue to put me through by moving in right next door to me with that pretty 25 year-old girl..." That is until Andy's face changes, he pauses without reacting right away, like he normally would, and he sits there sort of stunned for what seemed like a really long time. Finally he speaks. "You know, I don't understand. There are all sorts of 'fathers' out there that never see their children, never pay any child support, and I have the burden of proof as to why I should get extra time with my son? He needs a dad! This is so crazy." My hearts sinks and I feel prompted to leave the room.  I had just been rocked off of my game and needed to recompose; to consult with the Lord about my response. I asked to be excused to go to the restroom and went down the hall to the tiney bathroom. I shut the door behind me and standing right there, I said to God, "You have to speak for me. You have to control the words that come out of my mouth when I get back to that table. I need You to do Your will in this situation. Something doesn't feel right, God. Please take over. I'm getting out of the way." I went back to the table, sat down, grabbed a tissue, and the tears started flowing. What happened next can only be explained by the power of the Holy Spirit. "Andy, I'm going to honor your request to have 50/50 custody of Cole because I miss my dad and I would give anything to spend more time with him." (I hadn't thought of this at all during this entire ordeal.) "And I agree with you that our son needs his dad, that's why God made mothers and fathers with different attributes. I also want to honor the fact that you are a dad who is involved in Cole's life and want to spend more time with him." I can't believe I'm saying it as the words are coming out of my mouth. I feel like I'm giving up, waving a white flag, surrendering. I gave him some conditions about respecting me whether he likes me or not because I am Cole's mom and he needs to teach Cole to honor me. I also told him that I required communication going forward. Andy sits there for a few moments, silent, until Mr. McMannaman prompts him by saying, "If you want 50/50 custody of Cole you'd better take this offer because there is no judge anywhere that will grant this to you if this goes to court." Andy says, "Okay."

The mood in the room changes. The heaviness is gone. Peace has befallen my heart and I think I might even be feeling joy. After tying up a few loose ends, we each exit the room, then the building, where Andrew Proffer thanked me for what I had just done. Thank You, God! At that moment, all hate and anger and sadness left me. It was gone. I felt free and peaceful.

Now it's October 19th. We have been practicing the 50/50 custody arrangement. Ali and I have become very cordial with each other. Andy and I have, as well. We all even managed to throw a very enjoyable birthday party for Cole, with all of our families combined. Things haven't been perfect, but the relationship between us is no longer destructive and volitile, which is what God had intended for my life, and most importantly, for Cole's. And He has good things in store for you, too, if you'll just get out of the way. :)

Oh, and one last thing. My sister, who has been an addict in a deep hold for the last few years, agreed to check in to detox/rehab this morning. Praise God! Please keep her in your prayers. The hardest part is yet to come. Satan will not let her go easily. But our God is stronger! 

All my love,
Kim

Lessons in Letting Go, Loving and Other Stuff

Yesterday morning, a girl (I consider 25 years of age a girl) that I do not know, sent me a text message asking where she could pick up my son. I answered, knowing that at some point during the day, she would be retrieving my child from daycare and taking him home with her. Her home is a place that I've never been to. He has his own room in her home and I've never seen it and probably never will. Her home is a place where God is not honored, the Bible is not read, and it's values are not lived out. Her home is a place where, the work I do as a parent, is completely unwound and unraveled. Her home is a place where I am not respected and even defamated in a round-about way. Her home is a place where he lives with two adults that I do not know.

Yet, I let him go. I have to.

I have to and I have to process the emotions that naturally come from something like this.
I have to and I have to process the emotions that naturally come from something like this on a weekly basis. And try to do it biblically.

-insert pause here- left my desk for staff chapel and then Arts Team meeting...

...where I have literally just left a conversation about marriage vs. divorce. One of the things that was said is that divorced people live 7 years FEWER than those who are not divorced because of the stress it imparts on their lives. Another is that counselors have said that they have NEVER heard any of their clients say that they regretted holding on and working through the tough times in their marriages but almost always hear from divorced people about how much they regret it. Now, I don't mean to harp on the divorce thing...and I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but, this is currently my life and I had some good passages from the Bible this morning to reference regarding how I deal with and handle these situations and feelings. Unfortunately, now, my focus has changed. I need to reflect further on this and revisit this issue in a future post.

It's so awesome how God works in my life. Where I thought I was in a good place...He shows me areas that I need to let Him in and let Him work on.

I know this sounds really scattered and I apologize.

All my love,
Kim

Gifts

Many of you who know me really well know that I care a lot about giving people meaningful and intuitive gifts. Nothing irks me more than having to spell out for someone what I would like to receive on special occasions. I think it's because I, myself, try to be very sensitive and thoughtful to what the people that I love are into or would appreciate. I like to make an impact - I mean, after all, why give a gift if not to make that person feel really super-duper special? I feel like it's a waste of time, money and effort, otherwise.



For example, my dad was really into planes and helicopters and served in the Army during the Vietnam War. And you know how dads are. When you ask them what they want, the reply with....."Nothing”. Am I right? Yes, I am. So, I did some searching and spent some time brainstorming and really thinking about my dad and his habits and time commitments and what he might enjoy. I ended up with some really great books about Army Aircraft and an awesome book about things people have left at the Vietnam Memorial Wall over the years with a little story about each. I think he was super surprised and enjoyed them and kept those books out all the time as conversation starters.



I once made a DVD compilation of photos and video clips of Cole set to music and gave it out to everyone in his family as a Christmas gift. My sister was always really touched by that and had nothing similar of her children, so last Christmas, I bootlegged a bunch of her Facebook photos and added them to videos I had taken to make her her very own DVD of her beautiful children. I realize some of this comes from having a creative gene, but I believe that most of it comes from just truly PAYING ATTENTION to the people you love.



What does all of this have to do with anything? Well, for the last five years I have been asking God, if it was His will, to send me the man he wanted me to love. I’ve gone on different dates and added new friends on Facebook and removed them just as quickly…only to be flatly uninterested in any of them. I just never got the feeling that I knew I would get when THE ONE came along. Well, when it comes to giving gifts, God is just like I am; listening all of the time and paying attention. In fact, He knows/knew what I wanted and needed even better than I did! All I had to do was submit to the trust that nothing would happen if it wasn’t in His timing and that I would know it when it happened.



If you are tired of people not paying attention to you or what would be food for your soul, turn to the one who knows even before you do! He can anticipate your needs before you do and is probably working on them already. All it takes on your part is a willingness to let go of trying to control your own life/future/situation. Just live in the moment that you are given and God will be right there with you…leading you to the gifts He has in store for you.



All my love,

Kim

It's Raining Fire

Y'all remember that movie starring Jim Carrey, "The Truman Show"? Where his whole life was being filmed and he had no idea...yeah, that one. Have you ever felt like that? Like the circumstances of your life are just so outrageous that they must be staged and that someone-somewhere is being very entertained at your expense?

Currently, people are becoming obsessed with a series of books known as The Hunger Games, a tale of Katniss Everdeen and other "tributes" who fight for their lives in an "arena" completely controlled and manipulated by a group of "gamemakers".  I recently finished this series and as I read, I couldn't help but relate to the feeling of being trapped and serving as a pawn in someone's games.

Recently, a barrage of strange and unbelievable events/situations came raining down on me at a time in my life when I felt like things were going well. As I headed up the other side of the valley I had been in, thanking God for getting me through the storm and for drawing me closer to Him, the balls of fire came hurtling down at me from out of nowhere. My initial reaction was to complain to God and say, "Really? Are you serious right now? You're going to let them move in right there? You are letting her struggle with addiction continue and get worse and ruin so many lives?" When all at once, a peace came over me and I remembered: The ONLY reason I was heading out of the valley in the first place is because He lead me out and He would do it again.

While preparing a clip from a short film by Ed Dobson called Remember the Birds, I was reminded of this bit of scripture from Hebrews 13.

 "God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”

 So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”

Whenever you feel like life has become a joke or that balls of fire are raining down on you - and you wonder where the hidden cameras are or who is watching and getting pleasure from your discomfort, remember- YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT FORSAKEN, your pain is not for someone else's enjoyment...He will bring you through to the other side. The best part, friends, is that if we lean into Him when the fire rains down on us, we will come out of the valley with a better understanding of who we are, who we were created to be, and how much He loves us. God doesn't create horrible situations for us to go through - we do that on our own. But, He is there to turn those things into really powerful moments for the two of you to share and grow in.

My love always,
Kim